balls to the wall

I wouldn't usually be so crass in a public space... okay, who am I kidding... I probably would, but I'd usually do it a little more eloquently, or at least not in print. Welcome to what it's like in the space inside my head right now.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And not really the regular day-to-day tendency toward over-analysis that seems to be genetically hard-coded in female DNA and strongly correlated to elevated estrogen levels. In fact, I'm probably more balanced than most women you might run across when it comes to that sort of thing. But I also can't escape my training as a counselor, which invariably links any decision or choice with a lengthy process of dissection and eventual self-realization. This sounds like a bunch of crap, but I promise I have a point. I've been thinking about my life and the things that need to happen in order to get to where I want to be - not just in terms of career, but just sort of life in general: how do I reach the place where I finally feel that I've arrived?

In a lot of ways, it seems my life has been a pretty carefully calculated set of moves - some perfectly orchestrated, and others a perfectly orchestrated reaction to a move that maybe wasn't so perfect. Everything has served a purpose, and most of the time, I feel like I've known that purpose going in. I think that's sort of how I have to live in order to keep my head on straight. It has been about finding this purpose and sort of going for it, but always remembering not to take myself too seriously in the process. It's a precarious sort of balance that I have to strike in order to feel really at ease, and quite honestly, I've had a hard time finding that balance over the past few months.

I tend to think in black and white terms when it comes to work and things that are required of me, but I find a lot of gray in those areas that are not as clearly defined. And for me, those fuzzy areas probably make up the most important part of life - family, friends, connections, memories, emotions, adventures. Those are the places that aren't as easy to fit into a tight little box, and as a result, those are the things that tend to suffer when I'm feeling that being focused on a specific task is the only viable option. I've felt this way for awhile now, being very much focused on college and graduate school and then beginning to build a career. And each of these little steps will ultimately (and very methodically) lead to the elusive Dream Job. This part makes perfect sense. And while I may not always be happy while experiencing a step or growing pain, I know that it all works in the context of the big picture. But I have to wonder if those areas where I can't be so precise have been left behind to gather dust somewhere.

Part of it has to do with getting older and finding oneself in a position of needing to adapt to changing circumstances. But I think most of it really comes down to achieving a willingness to forego the need for parameters. Sometimes you just have to let it go. You have to meet people where they are. You have to wrap yourself up in the gray areas like a warm, fuzzy sweater. Simply put: you have to go balls to the wall. Life is too short to miss it because you spent too much time worrying about your next move. And it is most certainly too short not to laugh your way through it.

The problem with thought is that it can bog you down. But the awesome thing about it is that when you finally find the idea you've been searching for, you can just totally let it go...

Goodnight.

vacation and perspective

I've been away from work for 8.5 days now. It has been a nice break - much needed for some new perspective and clearing of the mind. Usually when I'm not at work, I'm thinking about work... trying to memorize dates, writing lists in my head, and sometimes even emailing myself so that I don't forget something. This week, I have only thought about work peripherally. I did have to follow up on one project, but I know everything else can wait until I get back on Tuesday. I've been amazed at how much I've accomplished this week - stuff I've been putting off for months - and how easy it was to do all of that and still have some time for fun without having a pesky job getting in my way. Of course, I realize how fortunate I am to have a job that affords me such luxuries (and I use that term VERY loosely). This school year is probably going to be hard. We're coming in from a very successful effort with our entering class, but now we have the expectations to maintain and exceed that success in the coming years. I'm looking forward to the new challenges and opportunities that will undoubtedly arise, but I definitely needed some time away in order to realize that.

This break has given me some time to exercise some creativity. I finally framed and hung some pictures I took in New England last summer, and I did a major art project for my bedroom. I'm not real happy with the current placement, so I may be re-doing that this week, but the basic stuff is there. I've also been reading, writing, baking some fun new creations, singing, and hanging out with people. The fun, relaxing stuff has been a good compliment to all the laundry and cleaning and organizing I've been doing. In any case, the sense of having accomplished things is certainly nice. And it has also given me the chance to recognize that I can't put that kind of stuff off anymore until "when I have time." All that stuff really needs to happen all the time in order to prevent feelings of stagnancy and being completely stuck. I'm looking forward to implementing that this year too.

I've been thinking a lot about ways to incorporate creativity into my life again. I've missed it a lot over the past couple years - not being regularly involved with creative ventures outside of work, and feeling too drained to really explore them. But I'm finding some stuff that is a little outside my usual scope, and I'm feeling pretty inspired by the whole creative process again. Looking forward to seeing where that will go.

(Side note, it's like 1am... and there is definitely something very loud happening outside in the street. Sounds like fireworks. But I'm a little hesitant to check it out... I'd like to come back in alive.)

My gosh, I'm tired. It's time to go to bed. I love awkward endings.

gone too soon

A lot of life has happened in the months since I last wrote. We've closed the door on another school year, and we're preparing to welcome another new class through the Gate of Opportunity. I can't believe that August is almost here. As I get older, the years go by more quickly. Sometimes almost too fast. They say time flies when you're having fun, but I don't think that's really been the case. I think time flies when you're so busy that you don't stop to enjoy anything. When your primary job is to plan events, it's hard not to live from project to project (and calendar date to calendar date). You exist in the space from one event to the next, and as soon as one finishes, you begin looking forward to the next one, frequently without the luxury of a moment to catch your breath. But I've had to make a promise to myself not to get so caught up that I forget to savor the moments that really matter. People in academia live life on a school calendar, so in a way, this is my New Year's. This year, I'm going to have some fun. We'll see if time flies by faster or if it slows down enough to be able to take it all in.

It's weird to look at my last entry knowing what would eventually happen to Mr. Jackson. It's even more strange to see myself talking about him in the past tense while he was still alive. Granted we hadn't heard much out of him for several years, so it makes sense... but in light of the whole comeback tour, where in rehearsal he was reportedly performing at the absolute top of his game, it's surprising to realize that in some ways he was already gone. For me, the saddest part is knowing that we won't know what may have come from that comeback. Sure, someone will re-mix all the rehearsal footage and previously unreleased recordings and make lots of money - I think Tupac and Biggie actually released more music in death than they did while they were alive - but I don't think that's the same as seeing what might have happened.

The tragedy of it all is that if he had lived, performed again, and somehow failed, we would know, but we probably wouldn't be able to have the same appreciation for his body of work. I've loved him as long as I can remember, even through all the weirdness, but in a way, I think his untimely death is probably the only thing that would allow others to see the talent and genius behind that strange facade. His was certainly a life beyond comprehension to us regular people, and his stardom came with a heavy price. I hope his family finds peace in the midst of an incredible loss.

blame it on the boogie

Okay, it's time to get down to the good stuff. Let's start with music.

If you know me at all, you know that music is probably in the top 5 words that describe me. I am never happier or more in tune (no pun intended) with myself and the world around me than when I am engulfed in amazing music. I guess I should start with my definition of amazing music. After all, it might be a little different than yours. For me to think of something as amazing, it must first contain at least one of the following: a beautiful melody, intricate harmonies, or interesting rhythmic combinations. It must be performed by someone who is a gifted singer, instrumentalist, or writer/composer. And finally, it must evoke one or more of the following: raw emotion, deep thought, or the inability to stay in a bad mood, no matter what has happened. :) (That's for the "this-is-cheesy-and-kind-of-sucks-but-it-just-makes-me-feel-good" category.) Not everything I love is "good"... but it has heart and soul, and it means something to me.

I'm sure I could launch into a treatise about technique and tone quality, expression and breath support... but that would be boring. Just keep in mind that my opinion on anything musical is completely colored by the fact that I spent 5 years getting a degree in music. And most of my friends are extremely talented musicians. They aren't all classically trained, but they share one thing - the ability to make good, interesting music. My life is blessed because the world is filled with people who can make music that has meaning and substance. Unfortunately, the world is also filled with parents who want so badly to keep from hurting their children's feelings that they encourage them to go make asses out of themselves on international television. Thank you, American Idol, for ruining our musical sensibilities.

I have a hard time appreciating that show for what it is because almost everyone I know is more talented than the people who win. Granted, I had a couple of seasons of must-watch-Idol-ism... but it just became exhausting. I'd rather sit in my living room listening to the incredible music of the Beatles, Nickel Creek, Mozart, Billy Joel, Queen, Morten Lauridsen, and Rodgers and Hammerstein on my iPod than watch American musical taste degenerate before my very eyes... which brings me to my next point: I accidentally stumbled upon the recent Michael Jackson night. You take someone as iconic as Michael Jackson, and it's bound to be either amazing or hideous. Most of what I saw was pretty close to hideous, though not entirely without merit. The good thing Idol did for me was remind me that I had about $17.10 left in iTunes gift card money, and I'd been waiting on something worth buying.

You wanna know what I bought? That's right folks - The Essential Michael Jackson. HELL YES. I should probably give you a little backstory on my love affair with MJ. He was my first musical crush. In fact, I can distinctly remember the first time I saw the Thriller video on MTV - we lived in Arizona then, which would have made me about 3 years old. I had nightmares for weeks (because of the werewolf scene and all the dancing dead people... and I'm not gonna lie - that Vincent Price monologue still kinda scares the bejeesus out of me), but I was hooked. Billie Jean, Beat It. I used to beg my mom to play the Thriller record, and I would hide in the closet when it got to the scary Vincent Price part. But I LOVED it. I grew up in the 80s, and Mr. Jackson was at his solo height in those years. I owned the movie Moonwalker, and I watched it at least once a week for several years. I even joined the MJ fan club. Seriously. Loved that man. I actually wanted to marry him. I realize now that our relationship never would have worked, being that I'm not usually attracted to plastic dolls. But I digress.

The point is that I grew up on the music of Michael Jackson, and despite the fact that his reputation is clouded by media fodder, he is one hell of a talented dude. Not every song is great. But how many people can say that they've never put out a bad song? No one who has made any money doing it, that's for sure. But what he gave the world is a catalogue full of interesting music - some of it has a message, while some of it is just plain entertaining. He was daring and innovative, melding traditional bubblegum pop with soul, R&B with disco, and so-called "black music" with metal. He was the first black artist to get regular rotation on MTV, and you could probably argue that his early videos helped MTV even stay on the air. (I'll save my rant on what MTV has become for another day...)

What we lack today in a world full of people like Britney Spears is actual musical integrity. Michael Jackson could sing and dance at the same time. You go back to the early Jackson 5 days, and there is no denying that he could sing his little 9-year-old ass off with more soul than most people have when they've lived for decades. It's been fun listening to the Essentials because I've been able to hear his journey from kid voice to young adult to the more gritty mature sound he developed. And the whole time, those pipes were smokin'. Now some people might laugh at me for writing all this, but I challenge you to find anyone else with his level of vocal ability, dance/choreography skills, and pure entertainment value... with a career spanning at least 4 decades... and the best-selling album of all time... in spite of everything we know that's weird about him. Yeah. Exactly.

So, in closing, I'd encourage you to step away from the American Idol, and go in search of some American (or even not-so-American) Classics. You just might be surprised by what you find... and you might be even more surprised that what you really loved 20 years ago is actually still good today.

bienvenue

Spring is in the air... time to speak French. Don't ask me why - just trust that there is a perfectly rational train of thought that leads from Spring to the need to think and speak in French. You'd be bored if I tried to explain it. In any case, I'm welcoming myself to the new, wonderful world of blogspot, and I'm welcoming you to the little cyber world inside my head.

Let me start by saying that I hate the word "blog." I make up words all the time, but this one just seems ridiculous. I could refuse to use it, I suppose, but then I'd be that guy who shuns pop culture terminology just for the sake of being different. And let's face it - different is good, unless you're just doing it because you're an ass. Frankly, I try not to be an ass unless I really mean it. Moving on...

I used to "blog" a lot... way back in the good old college days when everyone had a livejournal, and more recently when everyone was on myspace. Looking back, it seems a little strange, even silly, to me that we all spent so much time perfecting those things when we saw eachother every. single. day. Was it necessary to create a virtual communication world when we lived together in a perfectly suitable real world? Maybe so. Sometimes it's hard to say what you really mean when people can react to you in person. It's easier to be hilarious, tragic, or downright stupid when no one is there to judge you. Of course, they're judging you from the comfort of their own chair at the local coffee shop, but that's beside the point. You don't KNOW they're judging you.

It's funny that as my friends and I have grown up and ended up in different cities, and therefore see eachother only occasionally, we've let that virtual world slip away. Granted, we all have facebook, so we keep up with eachother's lives through 90-character status updates instead of the horribly time-consuming full-length blog. My myspace still exists, though usually unattended. It all just makes me wonder: did we just lose interest, or are we too busy to read anything beyond a sentence fragment's worth of information? Either way, I'm bringing back the blog. I've read some of the stuff I used to write, and I realized that putting it out there - good, bad, or terribly ugly - helped me process. If you want to be a part of the journey, then I welcome you. I promise only to write if I have something interesting to share. I doubt you want to know what I ate for dinner (unless I give you an amazing recipe to go with it), and I refuse to use this place to feel sorry for myself or air vague grievances. If you don't want to spend your time here, you may continue to be amused and amazed by my facebook status updates instead. :)

Hugs and Love.